Congratulations on Taking Over the Mac Store!

You’ll come with bombs and guns and knives and fists. You’ll come with piss and vinegar and a plan so bold it cannot fail. You’ll come as a team and you’ll act as a unit, striking at first light, as the first pastel-t-shirted dickhead opens those glass doors up and steps inside with his badge hanging around his neck. You’ll press a gun to the back of his neck and mutter into his ear.

“Inside, now.”

He’ll rush inside, with you and your friends close on his heels. Then you’ll begin systematically capturing or killing each of the aforementioned douchebag’s co-workers.

The first will be taken on her way into the break room. Another will be bludgeoned into oblivion when he attempts to pick up a bootleg Smiths CD you left on the ground. The manager will be shot in the face while attempting to buy cocaine from one of your cohorts, a “new employee” in a stolen t-shirt that the manager, in his coked out haze, forgot he hired.

By nine fifteen you’ll have captured every Apple employee who comes to work sober. Then you’ll set about your master plan: making the Apple store an enjoyable place to shop.

You’ll start by toning down the pretentious douchebaggery and focusing on customer service and actual salesmanship. The Apple store will become a place people can actually kind of enjoy being in, aside from the lighting.

The second step: lowering the price of every item in the store by at least 75% so that the actual cost of Apple components is accurately represented without completely sacrificing profit. Sheets of plastic previously sold for twenty dollars will be knocked down to the two bucks that actually go into them.

The third and final step: filling the Apple store with people who don’t talk about every book they’ve ever read. This one shouldn’t be too hard, just be sure that no one involved in your glorious revolution going in has ever applied for a job at the Apple store and you should be all set.

Congratulations Taking Over the Mac Store!