Congratulations on Learning the True Meaning of Hanukkah!

The two of you will steal into the control center, a hail of bullets finding nothing but the steel of the blast door closing behind you. Johnson will hold the door shut while you up-end a filing cabinet to block it off just in time, a thunderous pounding erupting just as you slam the cabinet down. You’ll both stare at the door for a few minutes while the pounding intensifies, guns at the ready. After a few minutes you’ll hear a Yiddish curse and the pounding of feet running away, seeking another entrance.

Johnson won’t lose a single moment. He’ll run over to the Supercomputer and start hacking away, dropping all kinds of firewalls and viruses and emails and shit, slicing through ICE and some other weird clichés until his jaw drops, sending his lit cigarette tumbling to the ground.

Ever the safety nut, you’ll stomp it out before you grab his shoulder and ask.

“What?”

He’ll point at the screen, which will be displaying a three paragraph Microsoft Word file. The file will be titled “the REAL meaning of hanukkah” (capitalization theirs) and will detail the various ways in which hanukkah is actually a giant Jewish conspiracy intended to give Jews control over Hollywood and a few extra days off during the winter so they can play in the snow and occasionally nap to get the sad out.

“Those bastards,” you’ll say. Then you’ll remove a 3.5 inch floppy from your combat webbing and hand it to Johnson, who will give you a steely nod in response. He’ll slip the floppy into the computer and start typing away, spellchecking the files while he has the chance before saving them to the disk.

Then, his work completed, he’ll hand the disk back to you. You’ll slip it back into your webbing and the two of you will start looking for a way out of the Jewish command center, your mission half complete, the secret so many men have died for in your hands and ready to be shared with the world.

Congratulations on Learning the True Meaning of Hanukkah!