Congratulations on Eating the Spiciest of Peppers!

The picnic table cloths will be checkered, the bowls stark white against them, perfectly showcasing their selection of peppers ranging in heat from “oooh” to “holy fuck.” On your left will sit James “Muiy Caliente” Calendar, famed pepper eating contestant and general raconteur. On your right Alfred “Nice Spice” Newman, the wealthy philanthropist turned competitive eater who turned his sights on the title of “best spicy pepper eater” only a few months earlier. He’ll have made great strides along his journey, but he’ll be among the stiffest of competitors now, between you and Calendar in the world Pepper Eating Championship Finals.

The judge will announce the rules to the crowd gathered around you, a full third of the attendees of the Minnesota state fair.

“Arrayed before our contestants are a set of peppers ranging in spiciness from one-hundred thousand to over one million Scoville Heat Units,” he’ll say with a sweeping gesture, inviting your audience to examine the carefully arranged peppers laid before you. “The contestants will eat each pepper in order of increasing spiciness until the contestants find themselves unable to eat any more peppers.” He’ll look each of you in the eyes, measuring you one by one as pepper-eating contestants. “In the event that there is no winner upon the final pepper being eaten we will enter a sudden death round, wherein contestants will devour the famed Ghost Chile one by one until one of them yields.” The announcer will hold up a Ghost Chile, which will almost seem to glow red in his hand. He’ll be wearing a welder’s glove as he holds it. He’ll turn towards you and your fellow contestants and smile cruelly.

“Do you understand?”

You’ll nod collectively.

“BEGIN!” he’ll shout in all caps.

You and your opponents will fall upon the peppers. In this case falling upon them means you’ll eat one of each kind of pepper, then politely wait for the next contestant to do the same.

At first things will go smoothly for all of you. You’ll all have trained hard for this day, and each of those peppers will be relatively tame by your standards. But just before it comes time to devour Habanero peppers as a group Newman will began sweating profusely. You and Calendar will each devour your peppers in turn, taking them in your mouths in one fluid motion and chewing them carefully before swallowing without any visual distress, but when Newman’s time comes he will pause. He’ll glance around, breathing heavily, then ram the pepper into his mouth.

When he bites down he’ll begin to weep, but he’ll continue chewing, doing his best to fight through the pain. Within seconds, however, he’ll be on the ground, rolling around on his back weeping openly, screaming out loud.

“Newman has been eliminated!” the announcer will crow to the crowd’s thunderous applause. You and Calendar will share a look and a nod, grinning at one another grimly as the announcer produces a bowl of the famed Ghost Chiles, still wearing his welding gloves.

You’ll take the pepper first, gingerly picking it up between your thumb and forefinger and depositing it on your tongue with a dainty gesture. Then you’ll flip it inside your mouth and begin chewing with determination. Your eyes will tear, your nose will run, but you won’t cry out, you won’t move from your chair. You’ll just sit and chew and smile when you’re done, looking at Calendar, who will now have an expression of horror on his face.

Calendar will pick up his Ghost Chile with apprehension, placing it in his mouth unsteadily, ramming it in there as if he hopes to simply swallow it instead of chewing it. But his integrity will get the better of him and he’ll bite down, spilling the most volatile pepper juice in the known world into his mouth in the process.

His shriek will pierce the air as he stands up in agony, rushing towards the pitcher complementary milk located a short distance away from the contest table. He’ll pour the milk around his mouth more than into it, making inhuman sounds of pain as he tries to assuage the heat inside his mouth.

Normally a crowd this size would mock him in his pain, laugh at his agonized throes as he attempts to manage the horror that has become his life now that he has tasted the Ghost Chile. But this crowd will be silent in awe of you as you slowly stand up, placing another Ghost Chile in your mouth and chewing with apparent ecstasy. You’ll smile and shake the announcer’s hand, still encased in a welding glove while he stares at you with an incredulous look on his face.

Then you’ll go to Calendar, who will by now be on the ground writhing in pain, and help him to his feet, carrying him to the medical tent the way a true pepper-eating champion would, with his tear-streaming eyes held high.

Congratulations on Eating the Spiciest of Peppers!