Congratulations Bernie Mac!

Today you’re actor Bernie Mac and you’re going to rise from the dead.

“RARRRRGH!” you’re going to scream at the first person you meet, your tongue having long since atrophied due to death and decay.

“Oh my god,” he’ll say. “Is that Bernie Mac?”

He’ll be so distracted by your famous visage that you’ll be able to shamble up to him and bite him in the throat, condemning him to hideous un-life as a zombie.

“Jesus Christ,” he’ll cough out as he falls to the ground and you continue to feast upon him until he loses consciousness and you get up to murder some more people, which is pretty much what you’ll do from now on because you’re a zombie.

But your fame will come in handy, since people will often stop for a moment and ask themselves if they recognize you from the Oceans films or your various standup specials, and as a result you’ll actually have a lot of success at overwhelming and turning hapless mortals into twisted creatures doomed to walk the earth for eternity.

In fact, to be honest, you’ll be way better at being a murderous fiend than you ever were at being a comedian. Which would be bittersweet if you’d been nicer in life, but instead is just kind of a get for you because you finally found a place where you’re more or less happy, since each act of violence against the living makes you feel a little less pain in your soul.

Congratulations Bernie Mac!