Congratulations on Brewing Your Own Beer!

Brewing your own beer is a popular activity, and today we’re going to tell you how to start. Step one: get on Google and find a brewing supply store. You’re already on the internet, just go do it. We’ll wait here while you do that.

Back? Good. It’s probably just far enough away from your home to be inconvenient, but not far enough to discourage you from going there and beginning your long journey into DIY alcoholism. You should go there after you’ve familiarized yourself with our list. You might even want to write it down.

Ingredient one is going to be a large sterile container. You can get one of these at a beer store, or borrow one from one of your crazy survivalist friends if you have any of those. Once you have one of those you’ll want to get your malts, hops and any grains that you need for your particular beer.

You’ll also want an ample supply of water. This should be available in most faucets or any nearby streams, but enterprising readers without a ready source should feel free to distill their own urine for water just as the ancient Egyptians once did. This will also further personalize the beer.

You’ll also need yeast.

Once you’ve made the overlong journey to the brewing supply store, mixed these ingredients together, thrown these ingredients away and travelled back to the store to get more stuff so you can fuck up another two or three times, you’ll want to add the super secret ingredient that only Sexy Results readers can provide: a small vial of your own tears.

These tears, which will be exceptionally sad because everyone at Sexy Results is pretty pathetic and everyone who reads it is way worse, will give the beer the most delectable flavor imaginable: human sadness.

Human sadness is a key ingredient in most processed foods and, in this case, will make your beer taste like ambrosia.

Enjoy, and remember: more beer means more tears, so collect those suckers for your next batch!

Congratulations on Brewing Your Own Beer!