Congratulations Celebrity Gossip Writer!

Today you’re the writer of one of those celebrity gossip columns we all pretend to hate but secretly consume at our earliest convenience.

“What a fucking douche bag,” Owen Wilson will say, reading over a piece you’ve written about his suicide attempt earlier this year. He’ll consume it hungrily, without any sense of irony. When it’s done he’ll read a bit about Shakira’s most recently vaginal grooming written by a female contemporary of yours.

Shakira, meanwhile, will be reading the same piece.

“I didn’t think it looked that bad,” she’ll say, removing her clothing to examine her own genitals and wondering how your contemporary managed to find out what her vagina looked like and how she managed to describe it so accurately while discussing the sociopolitical connotations it carried with it as well as its connection to the World Cup and the cross marketing campaign that accompanied her public appearances in South Africa at the time.

Then Shakira will start reading your more concise article examining Owen Wilson and the issue of depression in America which Wilson earlier called you a douche bag for. She’ll feel such a profound twinge of sadness in her heart for those suffering depression, and Owen Wilson specifically, that she’ll call up the celebrity directory to get his contact information and give him a ring.

“Let’s have consequence free sex to make you less depressed,” she’ll say to Owen Wilson.

Owen will shrug in response. “That’s not really how depression works, but I’m still down for it.”

The two will then transfer the call to their assistants who will then arrange a tryst in a somewhat public place which will eventually leak back to you and your contemporary, who are also sleeping together and will team up to do a big piece about the burgeoning couple and what their relationship means for the GDP of the state of California in the coming months.

Congratulations Celebrity Gossip Writer!