Congratulations on Sitting Across From One Another Indian Style!

You’re going to stride into the room together in bathrobes at the appointed time, both frowning. This isn’t so much a celebration of your togetherness as an attempt to keep your dying relationship afloat. You wouldn’t even be there, but apparently this once kept David Blaine and one of his models together for an extra week so you figure maybe it’ll help normal, non-retarded people together for a good long time.

The room will be completely empty. You and your brother will have taken care of that last night, emptying out each piece of furniture, every wall covering, until it was ready: a white walled room with a hardwood floor, awaiting the sweet embrace of your buttocks.

“Ready?” she’ll ask you, as if it was her idea, as if you didn’t have to quote the David Blaine statistic four times before she finally agreed to try this. You’ll nod your response instead of snapping at her. That, after all, is why you’ll be there.

The two of you will move to the center of the room, simultaneously disrobe and plop down ass-first, facing one another in all your awkward, naked glory.

You’ll be sitting indian style, so as to avoid looking sexual in any way. It’ll be pretty tough for either of you to look erotic, you with your flaccid penis balanced on the surprisingly cold heels of your feet, her with her shoulders squared forward, breasts hanging as if she was ten years older than she really is, pubic hair hinting at her genitals without giving you a view of the goods. It’ll feel sort of dirty and removed from who the two of you are. You’ll just be sacks of meat staring one another down.

At first the cold from your feet will get you a little aroused, but staring at her that way will kill your boner like a picture of Margaret Thatcher. She’ll shift uncomfortable every few seconds, the slight movements of her hips and shoulders hinting at the sexual power this woman once held over you, but for the most part you two will follow the exercise to the letter of the law.

At least for the first hour. But at the start of hour two your perception will start to change. You’ll stop seeing your girlfriend’s body and start to focus on her face, her eyes, her mouth. You’ll realize that her body is going to vanish one day and this visage is what will remain. It’ll be kind of scary, but it’ll make your dick stand up like a man at arms.

Around the same time she’ll start shifting more often, almost squirming. You’ll wish you could see her genitals, just so you could know what was up, but you’ll be left wondering. Ere long you’ll be staring at her crotch with a huge boner, and when your eyes flit up to reassess her face your eyes will meet and you’ll see your desire echoed in her eyes.

The exercise will be gone, the ugliness of your bodies completely receded. There will only be a pair of terricloth robes and one another, and then you will fall upon one another and the room and the robes and the floor will vanish altogether.

Congratulations on Sitting Across From One Another Indian Style!