This dad thing is hard. Ignoring the thousands of books written on the subject of child rearing no one gave you a fucking handbook and showed you how to be the best dad you could be. But you learned from your own pops when he wasn’t on the run from the police or in prison or locked in the basement making meth and you think you’ve got this thing down pretty right.
Which is why today you’re going to sit your nine year old son down and talk to him about the birds and the bees. Sure, most “doctors” say that puberty doesn’t set in for another year or two, but those doctors are idiots. You know the real story. This is around when you lost your virginity to your cousin, Lorna, and even though your family’s come a long way from the panhandle of Oklahoma to anywhere else in the god damn world you think it’s still important that he know how to be a man as soon as possible.
By “sit him down” we mean “lock him in a room with a tape of you and your wife doing it.” It’s the family way. And even when DSS shows up at your house a few weeks later to take your child into custody you’ll know that their fancy laws can’t fool you. You did right by your boy and in a year or two when you can apply to get him back he’ll thank you for it.
Congratulations on Raising Your Kid Right!
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