Congratulations on Destroying the Stained Glass Window!

Let’s be frank – you’re a bit of a klutz. Sorry if that was too harsh, but it’s true. You once – no lie – accidentally slipped and rammed your penis into a young woman’s anus instead of her vagina. That shouldn’t be physically possible without warming up or lubricant, but you did it and boy did it ever not end well.

But that’s all in the past. Today’s entry is about your terrible future, specifically the part of it which will emerge during your upcoming survey of early American churches.

We don’t want to ruin the surprise so we’re going to be a mite dickish and not specify just which American church you’re going to ruin a priceless stained glass window in. After all, we’d hate for your to undermine your religion and prove that you have control over your own actions and that making whoopie with your cousin wasn’t “the lord’s will” as you call it but was, in fact, a choice you made will full knowledge of what you were doing.

So we’ll be as vague as possible – you’re going to be visiting a church with “tabernacle” somewhere in the name, you’re going to be leaning on a stained glass window trying to impress one of your female relatives who is on the trip with you. Your hand will over the face of some saint who doesn’t particularly approve of your incest and you’re going to push yourself through hundred and fifty year old lead-lined glass.

You’ll be left with scars running up half your arm and some light tissue damage on the side of your face which will heal fully after a few weeks. The scars and muscle damage would be great pickup material if you tried to get with anyone who wasn’t a family member, or if you were even mildly interested to talk to. Instead they’ll just make it more difficult to masturbate.

Congratulations on Destroying the Stained Glass Window!