Congratulations on Piecing the Other Night Together!

After that whole pope hat thing you spent the next day, understandably, convalescing and trying to rack your brain as to just what happened last night. After hours and hours of deep soul searching which resulted in zilch you decided to leave your lavishly appointed hotel room (paid for with trust fund money, of course) and head out onto the town the next day.

Immediately after exiting your hotel room you’ll be attacked by an albino assassin. Luckily, as a trust-fund werewolf you’ll be in excellent physical condition and be mostly impervious to conventional weapons, so even after he shoots you twice in the chest you’ll still crush his throat easily. Then you’ll hide the body in a vent shaft and begin your investigation, more sure than ever that you’re in a plot of Dan Brownian proportions.

Turns out you’ll be right. After a day of searching various church establishments, espresso shops and sex clubs you’ll discover that the Catholic church is, in fact, just a front for Dan Brown so he can publish more horrible books about how the Catholic Church is ruining everything for him. You discovered that the pope was one of Dan Brown’s minions and stole his hat and killed him to try and keep Dan Brown from making any more fucking awful books.

But of course your efforts were only a minor setback and Brown, with the massive amount of free time that his lifestyle allows him and his general douchebaggery, decided to strike back against you instead of trying to write about a topic other than Catholicism and art history as a means of solving crime.

Since you’re a supernatural creature and the only people who pay attention to Dan Brown are fucking idiots you’ll have zero trouble breaking into his secret chamber in the Vatican and hanging his guards by their intestines, never having to “wolf out” a once.

But when you get to Brown he’ll plead for his life, claiming that he’d like to write a terrible book about the shit you just did, but replacing himself with someone like Nora Roberts or something to make it seem like there’s a stupid writer feud going on and sell a few more hundred thousand copies that way.

After carefully reading the contract you’ll agree and Dan Brown will produce a shoddy “novel” about a werewolf who uncovers a conspiracy against Dan Brown run by the Catholic Church and Nora Roberts. He’ll add some really weird sex scenes and shoehorn a love interest who knows a lot about Celtic mythology and art history in there and it’ll sell like hotcakes.

That means you’ll be able to live well beyond your trust fund’s already excessive means in the future and that you won’t be able to kill Dan Brown. Some days you’ll regret your decision, but the millions of dollars will quell most of your personal qualms, which just goes to show that money doesn’t make good people.

Congratulations on Piecing the Other Night Together!