Congratulations on Meeting Up With Kristen Bell Again!

You haven’t seen Kristen Bell since your disastrous Quizno’s breakup last year. It was supposed to be a one time thing to distract you more than any kind of meaningful gesture, just one of many of Ms. Bell’s charitable projects which she’s taken up since Veronica Mars was cancelled.

Since then you’ve spent your days online dating and smoking weed. It’s been a quiet noble existence, its mundanity only interrupted by occasional visits to the Burger Shack, the egalitarian highway bound burger joint within walking distance of your shithole apartment.

The Burger Shack is where you go when you want to be left alone. It’s frequented by a diverse crowd, ranging from junkies to college kids to creative types. Occasionally someone in business dress shows up there, removes their suit and orders a pair of double cheeseburgers and fries before retreating to the inside of their car. So it won’t be too unbelievable when you see Kristen there tomorrow afternoon, occasionally glancing at her iPhone.

At first you’ll think it’s just that girl you hit on constantly who looks a little bit like Kristen Bell, but with each bite of burger you’ll become more and more certain that that is, in fact, the celebrated actress. After a few more pensive bites you’ll raise your hand and walk up to her.

“Hey Kristen!” you’ll shout, burger bits spitting out of your mouth as you speak. She’ll look at you with a sort of vague remembrance, as if you’re a face she could once pick out of a crowd many years ago.

“Hey...you,” she’ll respond, looking around nervously. You’ll ignore both her body language and the unspoken rules of The Burger Shack and advance on her, hand outstretched. She’ll take it, uneasily.

“I was the guy at Quizno’s? A year ago?” She’ll nod in recognition.

“Right. That guy. How you been?” She’ll fake a certain folksie accommodation for your unwanted attention, but it’ll be readily apparent that she wants you to go on your way as quickly as possible.

You’ll shrug, still ignorant of the subtext of her behavior.

“I’ve mostly been spiraling into a dark place I’ll never emerge from since then. You know how it is.” She’ll give you a quick “I noticed” look before nodding with a little half grin on her mouth.

“Wouldn’t have guessed,” she’ll say, checking her iPhone again. You’ll misinterpret this as a statement that you’re looking good and that she wants a little piece and move in towards her.

“You know,” you’ll demure, “If you’d like to get a drink together later I’m available. Like, constantly. My life is in shambles since that day.”

As you begin your pathetic pass she’ll look at you with sympathy. But you’ll take it way too slow and miss the hint, and as you try to put “the moves” on her Kristen will mutter “Fuck” and start running past you towards a weeping man fleeing the Burger Shack.

“Is that a no?” you’ll shout after her, but her only response will be her raised middle finger. You’ll interpret that as a sign of how close the two of you are and smile at yourself, hoping she calls you soon, thinking nothing of the person you just denied the same comfort you received on what had once been the worst day of your life.

Congratulations on Meeting Up With Kristen Bell Again!