Congratulations on Showing Up Where You're Least Wanted!

You tend to wander when you’re drunk. It’s one of your more endearing qualities, which is saying quite a bit about how unbearable you are since you’re incredibly irritating when you wander around.

Tonight is Wednesday, so it’s your night to go buck wild with your parole officer and see what kind of tail is at the local shithole bar within twenty feet of your rathole apartment. After around twenty or thirty shots your parole officer will take off and the night will really get started. The whole thing will be a blur until Thursday morning when you find yourself in a church drinking free coffee staring at a vaguely familiar woman.

“Sherry?” you’ll ask the man next to you in a hushed voice. He’ll look at you like you’re mentally ill before getting his coffee and shuffling to his seat. You’ll keep staring at that woman, though. You’ll have been looking at the back of her head for a solid twenty minutes when she gets up and heads to the front of the room to some sort of applause. You’ll join in, still staring at her, not wanting to stand out.

“My name is Karen,” she’ll begin, “And I’ve been sober for two months.”

That’s when you’ll recognize her. It’s Sherry, your ex. She broke up with you three months ago because “you were ruining her life” as she put it, and you haven’t heard from her since. Seeing her here tonight makes you wonder how she’s doing. After she finishes her spiel about addiction and recovery and admitting you have a problem you’ll walk up to her and nod at her, still drunk and swaying despite the coffee.

“How’s my special lady doing?” you’ll say in your sleaziest voice. Sherry will look at you like you’re a snake. She won’t be far off.

“You need to leave here,” she’ll say, her lip quivering. “Now.”

“What’s wrong?” you’ll slur, eyes flitting between her tits and her face. Her skin has already started to clear up now that she’s quit drinking. It’ll be pretty impressive, actually.

“If you’re near me, I’ll backslide again. I’m glad you’re here, but find another group. Please.”

She won’t be able to look at you when she says it. She’ll be staring into the distance just over your shoulder. You’ll move towards her, trusting your instincts the way you always do when you’ve been drunk for over 48 hours.

“Oh, no. No, no. I didn’t come here for that. I came here for you.”

You’ll believe it on some level when you say it, smirking at her with your eyes still glassy from drink, and she will too. This is how she’s being tempted in her mind. This is how she’ll fall back into alcoholism.

She’ll start crying right away when you say it, that open uncontrolled sort of weeping you want to stop and can’t. She’ll push through the milling crowd and out the church door to parts unknown. You’ll notice your friend from the coffee pot staring at you and shrug at him.

“Women, right?”

He’ll shrug in response and turn away, hoping that you’ll leave him alone soon enough.

Congratulations on Showing Up Where You’re Least Wanted!