Congratulations on Disgusting All of Us!

Any other day of the week your revolting-ness would be totally manageable. We all spend hours and hours of each day avoiding eye contact with the unfuckable masses that flood American cities and public transportation and you’re not even that bad by their standards. But by any sort of objective standard of physical attractiveness you’re beyond hideous. Only in America could you ever get laid.

And tomorrow that’s exactly what’s going to happen. You’re going to be waiting for a bus with a handful of other uggs when a tanker carrying Axe body spray jackknifes. The crowd around you will be killed almost instantly but you’ll find yourself alive, mostly unscathed and completely drenched in Axe body spray. We’re sure you can see where this is going, but since it’s our just to do we thought we’d flesh it out.

You’re going to be assaulted almost immediately by a mob of screaming models while a film crew representing Massive PR films the entire thing. The models will rip your clothes off, foaming at the mouth all the while. Then they’ll hold you down and take turns having sex with you without any regard for your gut or your disfigured face. Once your penis goes flacid and they can’t use you that way it’ll go to a pretty dark place. Let’s just say that Axe makes a poor lube and leave it at that.

After they’ve finished with you they’ll drop your bleeding, bruised ass off at the emergency room of a nearby hospital before leaving with the crew from Massive and their horrible, horrible footage which will end up forming the backbone of a “viral” campaign Massive plans to use to advertise Axe to fat ugly douchebags with low self-esteem.

It’ll be a huge success and the rest of us will have to suffer through watching your hideous corpse getting gang raped by women you have no right to be around. Humanity will be collectively cheapened because of your unwitting contribution to society. Suicide rates will spike and you’ll starting receiving modestly sized residual checks which will make your tortured existence seem slightly less horrible.

Congratulations on Disgusting All of Us!