Congratulations on Not Taking Their Shit Anymore!

Regular readers or drunks who have somehow stumbled into our archives here at Sexy Results Future Agency should know that we’re all a bit grumpy. For example if our regular editor was here he’d have some unkind words to say about my description of our organization, probably calling me a “g-d v-word” and then telling me to “man up and use real person words.” Luckily he’s been incapacitated due to consumption of wood alcohol so I’m left with the solemn duty of relating how you’re going to totally lose it on everyone you know in the near future.

It’ll start when you get a cup of coffee from that cute girl you haven’t worked up the courage to ask out yet. She’ll give you a friendly smile and your eyes will drop to the ground as you stammer your thanks and step to the side to wait for your latte. On most days this would be the end of it, but today a tremendous man with a bluetooth headset and a Steelers jacket will come up to the counter behind you.

He’ll order a needlessly complicated drink in a rude and dismissive fashion, then wad up his money and throw it at your favorite barista, knowing she’ll have to pick it up and unfold it herself.

Normally you lack the courage to even mention that someone messed up your Tom Collins at a bar, but today you’re going to ball your fist and smash it into that large man’s face. He’ll drop to the ground like a wet sack of feces, which should be the end of it but you’ll give him another quick set of punches to make sure he learns his lesson.

By the time you’re back up your hopeless coffeeshop crush’s co-worker will have your morning treat ready and you’ll give it a grab and be out the door in a few seconds, giving only the quickest of glances to your hopeless lady love on your way out. The admiration you’ll catch in that moment along with the adrenaline will make you feel amazing and you’ll resolve to stand up for yourself at every available moment that day.

You’ll get your next chance soon after when you walk into work and one of your co-workers is wearing a baseball cap. You’ll give him a quick tap to the testicles and he’ll drop to the ground, laughing dumbly. You’ll want to keep going but his tumble will remove the offending hat from his head and you won’t feel justified going after him any more.

After that the lady who wears sweaters with Christmas trees and teddy bears on them in your office will come up and ask you to donate money to a Christian charity which tries to convince homosexual boys and girls that the way they’re feeling is wrong and that they can fix themselves through a combination of prayer and criticism of others. You won’t stop with one punch with Christmas-tree-sweater-lady, and when the cops finally pry you off her no one will really know how to proceed.

If you aren’t changed with assault you’ll be celebrated throughout the office. If you are yours will become a name whispered in admiration throughout the office, a legend once seen and never forgotten. It’ll really depend on how your boss interprets your co-worker’s incredibly inappropriate behavior. Either way you’ll become something of a folk figure in your office. So Congratulations on Not Taking Their Shit Anymore!