Congratulations Wooly Mammoth Who Works in Finance!

“SELLMORE STOCKS!” you’ll shout into the phone awkwardly taped to your hoof. Then you’ll slam it down, crushing the phone and the desk in one blow and sending chips of wood and plastic flying all over the room.

“Sir?” your secretary will ask, poking her head into the room to see what the disturbance is. You’ll turn at her and glower, tusks thrusting before you magnificently as you struggle to light a cigarette without opposable thumbs. She’ll notice your trouble and take the lighter from your hoof, flicking it to flame with one swift sweet catch of her thumb. You’ll catch a whiff of her scent and sigh.

“Thank you, Marguerite,” you’ll mumble before settling back into your chair. She’ll nod and begin to back out of the room, but before she reaches the door you’ll clear your throat.

“Yes sir?” she’ll ask, looking at you with those big brown eyes.

“Sit and have a cigarette with me, Marguerite,” you’ll murmur, gently patting a very large couch that sits next to you in your office.

She’ll smile, nod and say, “Yes sir.”

Then she’ll sit down and the two of you will smoke in silence for a full five minutes. After letting the air settle, you’ll tell her about being unfrozen in this new time, about being engineered by a scientist to be super smart for a mammoth but not actually that smart for a person. You’ll tell her how you decided to make money so you could potentially afford ensmartening surgery, and the heartbreak you felt when you discovered that wasn’t a thing. She’ll be visibly disinterested, if courteous throughout your speech.

Then you’ll tell her how much you like Mad Men and she’ll perk up. She’ll tell you how much she likes it too and then she’ll remove her underpants and you’ll have sex right there in your office, because that’s what they do on Mad Men and you really do love that show.

Well played, Wooly Mammoth!

Congratulations Wooly Mammoth Who Works in Finance!