Congratulations Incarcerated Pit Bull Mathematician!

You know how yesterday it seemed like things just couldn’t get worse? Well today, while you’re on the bus to go pick up the last of your things on campus, a child is going to start taunting you on the bus. He’s gonna be poking and prodding and petting you in all the wrong ways and when you finally snap and bite him it will decidedly not be your fault.

But the court will not agree. America’s insanely intolerant court system doesn’t seem to appreciate that sometimes kids deserve to be bitten by dogs, and its failure to see this will put you, one of the most brilliant mathematicians in American history, behind bars. Really, behind a chain link fence in a kennel where you’ll await execution until your ex-wife, who happens to be a lawyer, comes in and represents you during your appeals case, which will be a civil rights landmark case justifying the biting of children by dogs.

Your ex-wife will also have one last quickie with you after you’re free, which the press will somehow learn about, so despite this career making case she’ll be disgraced for years to come. Because it’s one thing to be instrumental in a truly singular supreme court case, but it’s entirely another to do anything even a little bit weird, sex wise, with a dog who happens to be your husband.

Congratulations Incarcerated Pit Bull Mathematician!