Congratulations on Having an Accident on the Way to Jail!

A funny thing is going to happen to you on the way to prison. The cop you spit in the face of (and then said “Welcome to Hepatitis,” to, a classic bit) is going to kick you in the back around your kidney as hard as he can. He’ll want to leave a bruise for you to think about while you sit on a hard wooden bench in booking.

What he’ll actually do is kick you so hard that the concussive force will make your innards shift about dramatically, pressing your colon into its contents, specifically a straight razor blade (no safety) that you brought with you in case some shit went down while you were in the poke.

The razor will push against the flesh of your colon and displace the mass of skin and muscle that normally regulates the flow of your waste, breaching it almost effortlessly. This will cause excrement to mix with your blood and internal tissues less acclimated to its tender ministrations. Given the incredibly virulent bacteria and the bevy of toxins present in said colon, you’ll begin rotting from the inside out.

The pain will be tremendous, but the cop who kicked you will ignore your squirms and grunts. He’ll just toss you into a holding area and lock the door without looking back. As you sit there on the bench, painfully aware of what must’ve just happened, you’ll smile at yourself, thinking of how great a story this will make years from now if you don’t die of sepsis during the next forty to eighty minutes. Your kids are gonna get a hoot out of “dad’s don’t put razors up your butt story!”

Congratulations on Having an Accident on the Way to Jail!