Congratulations Nepotistic Gopher!

When you were born you didn’t have a god damn hole in the ground to shit in. You had to dig it yourself. And, with time, that hole grew into several holes, then a series of tunnels constructed deep enough under the soil to protect you from most predators. When snakes began to burrow into your carefully constructed tunnels you began reinforcing their walls with tiny sharp rocks. When the world of man discovered your presence they filled your tunnels with water and gasoline you turned those elements against them, destroying the topsoil they needed for food, eroding various riverbeds so that they collapsed inconveniently and burning several human homes to the ground.

The end result is an empire beyond measure (by gopher standards, which are at best lacking). An empire beyond measure that you have exhausted yourself in creating. And so today, as you feel a particularly deep groan within your muscles, you’re going to think on your successor.

You’ll ponder the lieutenant, Squeaky McSquawkers, who murdered dozens of hawks using an improvised series of rock traps during the Great Ground Battle of the Rocky Cliff that Smells of Musk. But he, like you, is scarred from combat and bitter to the world: a leader for war, not for the era of peace you have created.

You’ll consider the deep runner, Chitters Who Has Paws that Look Like Mittens. She’ll have saved dozens with her tunneling and organizational prowess when she fearlessly tunneled as deep as she could and collapsed the passage behind her to stop the flames from consuming your people. She then directed them to out and slightly to the side, guiding them to freedom. But she is a woman, and would never be accepted by the masses, however beloved she is.

You’ll settle on your son, Disappointing Tunneller. He isn’t much of a gopher, but if he takes up the mantle of leadership the people will be calm. They’ll be ushered into an era of peace and prosperity and they’ll be happy, even if gopher society will not swell under his rule.

But he’s inept.

In ten years the society you’ve created will be naught but ash and dust. But you, your son, and all the people you passed over for him will long be dead. And gophers will still be extremely plentiful on the plains, so the stakes here are pretty low. Arson and eco-terrorism aside, at least.

Congratulations Nepotistic Gopher!