Congratulations on Saving Your Grandmother's Orchard!

The eighties are littered with the ruined corpses of feel good teen rom-coms with premises that just weren’t good enough to make it to the silver screen. Movies about saving puppies with the money you won from a Jam Off or getting an abortion with money from a Stair Falling Contest might’ve seemed good to their writers, but those fat-cat producers in Hollywood never would’ve let their brilliance come to light because they’re intimidated by real creativity.

Well today you’re going to, more or less, live one of those movie’s plots. Your gam-gam is a cheerful old lady who has lived through the Second World War and all of the hells that have visited us since, and she’s never lost her upbeat attitude. But a recent movement on the part of a bank to foreclose on her treasured ancestral home has had her down of late. Enter yourself: a young woman sent to live with your grandmother due to a suspension for violent and anti-social behavior at your junior high school. As you arrive the bank will begin stepping up their attempts to move your grandmother out, starting by hiring a group of toughs to push her far enough that she breaks. Seriously, you just can’t write this shit.

After a series of increasingly intense run ins with the toughs, which will parallel a somewhat serious summer romance with a cute, understated boy without many opinions but a fantastic ass to make up for it, things will come to a head when the toughs try to raid your grandmother’s house. You’ll murder all of them using your grandfather’s old service rifle hidden in the attic and the bank, realizing that the fifty thousand dollars your gam-gam’s house and land are actually worth probably don’t warrant the cost in lives, will give up on trying to get her to move out.

Everyone wins! Except the families of the toughs, most of whom were down on their luck Iraq war vets who were just taking whatever work they could find.

Congratulations on Saving Your Grandmother’s Orchard!