Congratulations Alyson Hannigan's Stalker!

You'd have to be some kind of tasteless robot monster fiend not to love the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show.  It was campy, it was fun, it spoke to notions of encroaching adulthood in weird, unexpected ways and it proved that science fiction could sustain itself for years on end in a primetime television slot.  If you want to get laid on a first date, ask a lady or dude to come home with you and watch their favorite Buffy episode.  It's a real thing, and it works, damnit.

So everyone loves Buffy.  We've established that.  But you love it a bit too much, and for a very specific reason: you've got an unhealthy fixation on Willow.  In fact, your fixation on Willow manifests itself in such a way that prevents you from really understanding that the character, Willow, and the actress, Alyson Hannigan, are different people.  This has lead to some pretty strange circumstances in your life, most recently you in her house with your dick in her condiments, screaming that "you could make her happier than Tara ever could."

Suffice it to say, the police became involved, and now you're here, in a California State Court, for a hearing.  It'll be for a particular kind of restraining order that goes well beyond the usual "don't come near me" business - this will be for one of those fancy Hollywood restraining orders that requires you to run a fan blog for some other celebrity in lieu of stalking your heart of hearts every waking moment.

It's going to be a rough day.  We're not gonna lie.  Things won't go well for you.  You'll end up getting Jay Leno as your celebrity, and Jay, beyond being kind of a shitty guy, just isn't very interesting.  Your assignment will be to write short stories from the perspective of each of his famed classic cars.  They'll estimate the required time to complete the assignment at 400 hours.

But, chin up, buddy!  'Cause you're gonna get to see Hannigan there too!  She'll be there with her husband, wuzzizname, and she'll look amazing.  At one point in her deposition, she'll make eye contact with you and, for a second, the world will seem less horrible.  You'll think of that moment a lot over the next twenty weeks as you toil part time to painstakingly craft a narrative from the perspective of each of Jay Leno's famed automobiles.

Congratulations Alyson Hannigan's Stalker!