When your boyfriend gets on one knee, your stomach will
start turning in knots.
"Please don't do this," you'll whisper. The sound will rake out of your throat, so
soft he won't even hear it. He'll just
keep going, his lips moving, making those dumb fucking sounds that your brain
won't recognize until you look at his face and realize that this is really
happening and you hear the last two words...
"...marry me?"
You'll start shaking your head at him, so he'll stand up and
wrap his arms around you in a big hug.
"Honey," he'll whisper.
"That's okay."
You'll start trembling in his arms, rattling, really, trying
to shake yourself free. When he finally
lets you go he'll look you in the eye and ask:
"Are you okay?"
You'll freeze for a moment, tears welling in your eyes. You'll want to slap him, to say, fuck you, my
uncle molested me, of course I'm not okay.
But instead you'll just shout:
"I PUT PENISES IN MY MOUTH FOR MONEY!"
He'll smile his little sad smile at you and nod.
"I know," he'll draw you close and murmur into
your ear. "I still love you."
The world will begin to dissolve around you as the panic
attack takes hold. When you finally come
to it will be hours later, but it will feel like days. Night will have fallen, but somewhere in the
interim, you'll have gone to bed with your boyfriend. You'll stumble out of bet and rush to the
bathroom, where you'll close the door and turn on the light. Inside, under the hum of the CFLs, you'll
touch yourself, checking to see if you had sex while you were blacked out. You won't have, which will make you feel a
brief flutter as the fear returns.
You'll imagine the ring, your boyfriend's eyes, flush with puppy love
and innocence. You'll see him on one
knee, staring up at your face, the same horrified, exhausted face that will
stare back at you in the mirror, and the truth of the world will rush into you
in a single moment. You'll fall to your
knees, retching into the toilet, until you hear your boyfriend tapping on the
door, asking if everything is okay.
You won't know how to answer that question. The fear will still have you.
Congratulations Terrified Prostitute!
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