Congratulations on Finding the Bones of the First Ann Coulter!

Ann Coulter is a godless bitch.  Everyone knows it.  Every sound that issues from her foul pipes scours the ears and sears the minds of any who hear her.  Her eyes shoot heat beams.  She radiates a cold so pure and clean and terrible that light bends around her and water turns to ice at her touch.

But we didn’t know she was immortal.  Sort of.

Today you’re going to find out that, hey, turns out she totally is, when, while digging through the basement of some church in Italy, you find a charred skeleton.  Since the first thing anyone does after finding a charred skeleton is check its dental records, you’ll compare them to the global tooth database’s records and they’ll test as a match for Ann Coulter.

Since Coulter is currently alive, if not necessarily well, this will raise a number of questions.  You’ll start by asking the elderly priest in charge of the church about the bones.  He’ll tell you they come from an ancient hellbeast that once ravaged the Italian countryside, until it was deceived into entering the basement of this church and then sealed there beneath the earth, where it was forced to eke its way out slowly, day by day, until it emerged clothed in flesh with vengeance powering its heart as it walked the earth, seeking to undo all of God’s works.  The hellbeast was, of course, a blonde woman, skeletal in aspect, who might’ve been beautiful if her life was fueled by something other than raw, unmitigated hatred.  She killed thousands, burned churches and, according to some tales, was responsible for some of the nastier plague outbreaks of the Dark Age.

He’ll explain that in order to be killed, the hellbeast must be confined deep beneath a  holy site, a place of sanctified earth, that she has resurrected herself each time, slowly but surely, and only through the vigilance of man can her touch be survived, contained and eradicated.  He’ll explain that it will return time and time again, taking the same form each time, that this form will destroy the world, if permitted to do so.

You’ll listen, nodding, slowly becoming more sympathetic to Ann Coulter.  Maybe it’s not her fault after all.  But as you consider it in more and more detail, you’ll realize that it’s beyond your control.  Wincing, you’ll decide to start a Kickstarter to fund a project to trap Ann Coulter in a giant reliquary made from a holy site.

Congratulations on Finding the Bones of the First Ann Coulter!