Congratulations Incongruously Rich Wastrel!

Your parents died when you were just a wee baby, leaving you with a tremendous inheritance and no living relatives to help you spend it.  Normally you’d have become a ward of the state, but your parents were crazy investment bankers, fabulously wealthy and incredibly dumb, so they shrugged off the idea of “big government intervention” and stipulated in their will that if the government ever tried to give you help, they’d be retroactively sued and, thanks to some text covertly inserted into the armistice that ended the Korean War, North Korea would get all the nukes your family owns.

Which is seven.

So you’ve spent your entire life on the streets, where lawyers occasionally find you and give you a few hundred dollars so you don’t starve to death.  The end result is that you’re an incredibly rich wastrel, and today you’re going to meet another wastrel who wants to be your friend.

This wastrel will be a fifty seven year old man who lost his mind after he watched his son shoot himself in the head in the kitchen of the apartment they once shared.  This man will recognize what’s going on, and when your lawyers show up today he’ll talk to them about how, while wills are important, making mentally healthy youth is also quite important.  He’ll speak beautifully, bringing tears to the eyes of the hard hearted men who have thrown money at you from the windows of Mercedes and shot bums who were attempting to sexually assault you in the head for years.

These men will realize that your blind trust has more than enough money to buy an apartment for you and your new wastrel friend (who will insist on being called Alfred by you) to live together.  Alfred will teach you how to read, write, and murder people with your bare hands starting immediately.  He’ll also call you Batman all the time.

All things considered, it’ll be slightly less distorted than the reality you would’ve experienced if you’d been raised by your parents, and it’s a sight better than fighting rats so that you can finish eating your lamb gyro.  Enjoy your life of comfort and fighting “crime,” where “crime” actually means Asian people!

Congratulations Incongruously Rich Wastrel!