Congratulations on Replacing Your Penis With a Totally Sweet Vagina!

Today you’re going to wake up in a hospital bed. At first you won’t know where you are, but this isn’t a dramatic device concocted for the sake of this story. It’s actually a lingering effect of the anesthetic used to suppress neural and motor function during the operation to remove your penis.

That’s right, we said remove your penis. It’s been removed. Like, permanently. Not in a John Wayne Bobbitt way, in a “you always wanted to be a girl and you finally had the courage to go for it” way. You’ll lay there in bed for a good long while, taking in your surroundings before you feel a particular numbness, different from the rest, in your crotch. You’ll peek under the covers and see the bandages bundled around your groin and suddenly the last few hours will come flooding back to you.

The drive to the hospital, the interview, the discussions, the signing of papers. The last thing you’ll remember will be putting on a plastic mask that covered half your face and a hissing noise and then nothing. You might’ve been laughing or talking about your idea for a comic book at some point there, but it’s all a blur after the mask.

All of this recollection will take place over a period of thirty seconds where you’ll sit and stare into space. It’ll be a good thirty seconds before you regain your bearings and realize that the room around you has changed.

It won’t be filled with doctors and family members or anything like that. No, no, no. That’s for later. At this moment it will be filled with woodland creatures of every variety. They’ll mostly be dressed in fashionable Victorian clothes, and a few of them will have brandy which you’re pretty sure is against hospital regulations.

“Congratulations on entering womanhood!” they’ll cry. A pair of bluebirds will raise your limp wrist and help an owl with a cockney cap high five you in celebration. A deer will nervously stand in the corner and look around like it really doesn’t know anyone, but it’ll smile reassuringly. They’ll all just be there to cheer you on.

That is, until the doctor returns. Then they’ll scatter, running through the windows.

“Oh shit, book it!” they’ll cry, rushing out of the hospital as fast as their various means of motivation can carry them. You’ll look at the doctor and the two of you will shrug.

“How are you doing?” she’ll ask.

Congratulations on Replacing Your Penis With a Totally Sweet Vagina!