Congratulations Buckwheat Billy!

You’re Buckwheat Billy, as of today. We’d like to say you always have been, but that’s a filthy fucking lie and we all know it. You’re going to earn the name, and here’s how.

Today a giant, like a giant from Norse mythology, is going to attack the high school you teach at. While everyone else is panicking you’ll be thinking of solutions.

“What does everyone love?” you’ll ask yourself. Then you’ll snap your fingers like you figured out something profound.

“Pancakes!” you’ll shout at your mostly obese students, who will look at one another and shrug.

So you’ll make pancakes. Pancakes by the hundreds. You’ll have the assistance of a handful of disaffected students who were too clumsy for shop and too lazy for sewing, but you’ll end up doing most of the work, the same way you do in class. When you’re done you’ll have built a literal mountain of pancakes, but the giant won’t have noticed. He’ll be too busy wrecking your school and everything in it. So you’ll get his attention.

“Have some pancakes!” you’ll scream at him. He’ll notice you then and, curious as to just what a pancake is (he’s been trapped in lava for a century and has no idea what anything is so the shit you get excited about that everyone else hates is all new to him too) so he’ll lean down and try some.

He’ll like them. He’ll like them a lot. So much he shoves them hand over hand into his face hole, enjoying every last gooey morsel. He’ll munch and chomp and slobber them all down and then he’ll drop dead. Turns out he had Celiac’s disease which, true story, fucking kills you outright if you try to eat anything with wheat in it. Or, apparently, buckwheat.

From that day forward you’ll be famous as the guy who killed a giant with pancakes. This will replace your previous reason for notoriety: being the only straight male high school home-ec teacher ever.

Congratulations Buckwheat Billy!