Congratulations on Getting New Glasses!

Normally you’re a blasé little cheerleader who walks around in a miniskirt and fucks anyone who’s on the football team. That means no one actually likes you for you and you’re less attractive and more slutty, even though you’re blonde and leggy and all that shit that we’re all supposed to like. It’s your own damn fault for being born in the Midwest, where blonde girls are a dime a dozen and awkward, dark haired girls are the princesses of the poon.

But today you’re going to get an edge. Today you’re going to the doctor’s office and they’re going to prescribe you glasses.

“Oh shit,” one of the comp sci nerds will say, craning his neck as you walk by. He’ll never have noticed you before, but this morning you’ll actually be able to see him pitch a tent in his couerderoy pants as you walk by. He’ll trip over himself trying to cover his boner with his binder and as he topples to the ground he’ll call your name.

“Kristen!”

You’ll ignore him, continuing your journey down the hall, which will be filled with boys staring at you, their jaws agape. When you pass by the drama geeks they’ll mumble to themselves and shake their heads in amazement.

“I’d go straight for that,” you’ll hear one of them mutter.

You’ll smile a little, a wry little thing that makes you all the sexier as you tromp around with your newfound power. You’ll shimmy sham your sweet little illegal ass right up to the captain of the football team and look down your glasses at him as he stares back, puzzled.

“I’m off the squad,” you’ll tell him. “And I’m done giving you and your friends handies. I’m gonna go fuck honors students.”

Then you’ll saunter off, listening to the silence of the jocks behind you. The nerds ahead of you will stare in awe. It’ll be obvious that they’re scared and aroused by the entire display, and when you stop in front of one kid who is wearing a shirt that reads ‘What Part of an Uncomplicated Equation Don’t You Understand?’ you won’t be sure if he’s nodding his head at you or just jerking nervously. It won’t matter. He’ll seem alright, good enough to start with at least.

“Sup?” you’ll say, nodding at him and giving him a little smile.

Congratulations on Getting New Glasses!