Congratulations Porn Collector!

You quite a man, porn collector. Most people would feel some sense of shame at the prospect of sitting in their apartment for days and days on end watching porn. But you, you take pride in your work. You not only carefully note the production date of each film and painstakingly correct the often erroneous credits attached to each picture, you also place each work in the context of a larger cultural continuum.

Anyone can make an IMDB of porn, but you collect it, analyze it and synthesize it. Under your care what would’ve normally be a shameful collection of human filth has become a valid cultural document displaying the themes and trends of an oft ignored element of our society. You’re a quiet hero of sorts, living under the radar and avoiding discussing what you do at parties. If anyone knew just how deep the rabbit hole of your life went they’d probably be a little scared, but it would also be a disservice for them not to be impressed by the scope of your undertaking.

You’ve been satisfied with this quiet knowledge of your own for some time, and it has served you well not to speak of just how many black guys Riley Mason fucked in 2007 or which movies that Christy Canyon did featured anal and which did not during her long and storied career. But tomorrow another group will learn of your grand achievements, and mankind as a whole will benefit.

Tomorrow you’re going to be abducted by aliens. Contrary to what most people think about aliens they’re not going to be coming for our natural resources or to make peace or to make an alien human hybrid. They’ll be coming to learn about our culture, document it and then move on so that they have some sort of record of what we did aside from kill each other and fuck up the planet.

They’ll have chosen you because they got pretty much everything about human-kind except for porn. People in the past will have been unwilling to talk about porn, and the handful who were willing to talk about it weren’t very smart of articulate. You’ll be more than happy to sit down and discuss the nature of pornographic films with these aliens, however.

They’ll treat you to a nice dinner and, after some cajoling, agree to share some of their porn with you in exchange for your entire catalog and a length Q&A session with their own top porn scientists. The entire experience will be pretty rewarding overall, except for the alien porn part. That’ll just be weird.

Congratulations Porn Collector!