Congratulations Black Cat!

Seated at the card table, you’ll have to perch awkwardly on top of three stacked phone books just to see over the side. But no one will doubt your prowess, your capability or your confidence as you coolly survey the table, considering your opposition.

You won’t even look at your cards you’ll be so confident. You’ll just tap them with one paw and then sit back down, grinning at yourself. And when the river comes out and you see your opponent’s expressions turn to despair you’ll slide your little kitty paws over to your chips and push them all in.

Most of your foes will drop out, horrified of gambling against a cat, especially a black cat. Generations of Disney films will have educated them that animals, especially cats, are not to be trifled with in various ESPN televised competitions. But one man will not have gotten the memo.

He’ll be seated across from you in dark glasses with a stupid look on his face and a baseball cap on indoors. He’ll have a nice big pot belly and a mouth that never learned how to stop frowning for even half a second to kiss a pretty girl. He’ll have everything you hate in a poker player, and he won’t even have the chips to step up to you, but he’ll try anyway.

“Call,” he’ll mumble at the table, sliding his chips in. You’ll lick your lips and swish your tail and watch as the river unfolds in front of the two of you. When the last card is on the table and you show your four of a kind to his pair of queens it’ll be all you can do to avoid getting up and shoving your ass in his face. As the chips slide over to you, your pile growing mountainous in front of you, you’ll feel deeply satisfied in what you have wrought.

This feeling of self-satisfaction will last almost the entire night, eventually coming to an end when you are taken outside by security and your little kitty paws are broken to show people what happens to cats that cheat, even though you were innocent. You were just too good for the game.

Congratulations Black Cat!