Congratulations on Finding a Solution That Benefits Everyone!

Today the villagers will bring you a pig.

“This pig belongs to me,” the first villager will say. “He has slept under my roof and been kept by my children. He is my rightful property.”

The second villager will counter: “This pig is mine by right. He has supped on my fodder for months and months, and despite his rooming at my fellow’s home he most certainly would not have survived without me. To give him to my fellow would be to wrong me most profoundly.”

You’ll sit and stroke your kingly beard, sitting in your kingly chair. Several more important issues, including the distribution of taxes for the realm and some murmurs of revolution amongst the leadership of the city guard, will come up and go on the back burner because you get a bug up your ass every time a villager brings you a problem involving a pig.

After a lengthy period of consideration you’ll bring the villagers before you once again. They’ll stand in your chamber with their well-fed pig, frowning as you grill them with questions.

“What do you each plan on doing with the pig?” you’ll ask.

The first will shrug. “Devour his flesh, use his hide to make leathers and keep his bones and hooves for stew.”

The second will nod “The same. Although I’d also like to spend the night with the pig, just to get to know him better.”

You’ll nod sagely at this revelation and hold up your hand as you finalize your judgment. Then you’ll bring it down and unleash your wisdom on those lame ass villagers, settling the matter once and for all.

“I sentence you both to death!” you’ll screech at them. They’ll begin sweating immediately as the guards rush to them and surround them, holding them in place for your headsman. “Your bodies will be used for food in a public banquet, your flesh to make clothing for orphans and your property will be re-distributed to the city watch. The pig will become my wife.”

The men will protest as they’re dragged away, screaming after you that you’re mad, that you can’t do this, but you’ll have stopped listening to them. You’ll be stroking the pig’s face and staring deeply into its eyes. The pig will look confused, but sort of happy. You’ll have handed him a judgment that will satisfy him, and that’s enough. And if your villagers object to you gay-marrying a pig? Well, you’ll just have to kill them too.

Congratulations on Finding a Solution That Benefits Everyone!