Congratulations on Fitting Them All Inside Your Vagina!

You’re one of those losers who has to be someone of note or your life is a total sham, which wouldn’t be a problem if you were one of those faggy every-day heroes like a lady fireman or a good mom or some shit. If you were one of those people you could just sit back and smile at your life, occasionally watching taped episodes of Seinfeld and masturbating after your spouse has failed to please you that night. But you work in an office, you’re a loveless mess and you’re a tremendous coward, so most of those options are out.

You could develop an incredible talent, but you’re completely lacking in self-awareness and you were never very bright so that would probably require some sort of inherent ability that would’ve manifested itself by this point. So after a lengthy planning session which took up all of this weekend and a little bit Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday evening you’re going to put your machinations into motion and enter the annals of history.

It’ll start with you purchasing several bags of oranges. Two or three should do it, since the current world record isn’t that high. Then you’ll begin lubricating the oranges with the astounding stores of KY Jelly you have hanging out in your house from living alone and unloved in the middle of a big city. Once you’ve got them all lubed up you’ll start slipping them into your vagina.

At first it will be kind of pleasant, a form of masturbation with a purpose almost. The first bag will get up there with very little trouble, comfortably tucked right up into your cooter, but the second bag will be harder. By the time you get halfway through you’ll start to feel full in a way you’ve never felt before. Not fulfilled or pleased or anything weird like that, mind you, just like you really need to take a shit.

But you knew you’d have to make sacrifices to make this happen. So you’ll take a handful of muscle relaxants and keep on stuffing until the second, and even the third bag has vanished inside of your vagina. Then you’ll call the local Guinness representative who, eager to see a woman’s vagina for the first time in years, will rush to your location.

He’ll be kind of disappointed by your swollen, orange filled puss hole. There will be fruit struggling to emerge from the walls of your vagina, but it’ll all be more or less stuck in there as you balance on your shoulders, grimacing with the effort of not squeezing most of those oranges into juice with the kegels you learned for the mate you could never acquire. Then after he takes some measurements he’ll start helping you get the oranges out, one at a time.

By the time he finishes all but four of them will be on the floor, covered in lube and your vaginal fluids, smelling up your apartment something awful. But you’ll be in the record books now, forever and ever, and you’ll have a man who is interested since it’s obvious you’ll ram almost anything up your vagina for the chance to be loved.

Congratulations on Fitting Them All Inside Your Vagina!