It's tough to be a kid in New York. Sometimes the best way to pass time is to
fuck all of the adults in your life until they go through nervous breakdowns,
murder each other, then spend the rest of their lives in prison.
So today you're going to seduce your rich stepdad, a weird,
sad looking man with an alliterative name.
He won't be a bad dude, but he'll be putty in your weird, creepily sexy
hands. When you're done with him (and it
will be you being done with him, of course) you'll move on to your upstairs
neighbor, then the old lady who runs the last Korean grocery in Nolita, then
the dude who works the closing shift at REI, then some weird elderly Apple
store employee.
When you're done you'll have a host of STIs and a bevy of
people over thirty who are willing to murder anyone who ever does you
wrong. You'll also have a couple of
older creepers writing old creepy books about you, which will be totes
creepzilla, uggggghhhh. But such is the
price of youthful magic moments.
Enjoy your gradual descent into your twenties! It's gonna end incredibly poorly. Oh, and see a doctor - some of those diseases
will kill you if they're left untreated.
Congratulations
Nolita Lolita!
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