Congratulations Rank Smelling Fishperson!

Every fishman must have his day, and today is yours, for today you’ll rise from the sea and walk in to town, in search of casual sex.

“Oh hello lady,” you’ll murmur at a woman from down the bar.  She’ll vomit on to the floor and begin weeping at your odor.  You’ll shrug.

“Bitches,” you’ll tell the bartender, who will also be retching from your hideous stench.

You’ll move on to the next bar, but at each one you’ll encounter the same scenario: you find a fly honey, let her know you’re open for business, and she’ll vomit all over the place.  Then you’ll leave, dejected and a little drunker than you were when you came in.

It’ll become a vicious cycle of rejections as the evening continues: throw down, vomit, move on, throw down, vomit, move on.  But you’re not particularly self aware, for a fish person or for a person in general, really, so you’ll dismiss out of hand the conceit that you might actually have something to do with the revulsion of these many varied ladies.  You’ll instead decide that bitches must be universally crazy and that you, catch of a man you are (get the pun there?!) are not responsible for their reaction to your lackluster grooming habits.

It won’t be until you reach a bar where an attractive young woman without her sense of smell is sitting alone and pondering life that you’ll get an answer you can understand when she tells you, in slurring, deafness-accented speech:

“It maight bee beecuz yowh ugwe.”

You’ll look at her, then yourself in the bar mirror, then her again.  Then you’ll shrug and announce to the bar:

“Naw, bitches be crazy.  You wanna go fuck?”

She’ll shake her head and walk to the bathroom in response.  You’ll just sit there, puzzled, until the bartender, holding his nose, stops by to drop off your Tom Collins and lets you know:

“She’s right.  You’re also a serious douchebag.”

This will make you slump a little on your bar stool.  You’ll down your drink in one gulp and traipse back out to the sea, leaving a trail of slime in your wake.

Congratulations Rank Smelling Fishperson!