Congratulations on Getting Your Knighthood Revoked!

Relatively few people have their knighthoods revoked.  Elton John briefly did, not for homosexuality, but for denying his homosexuality for so long and royally fucking up a bunch of people’s lives in the process.  War criminals occasionally have their knighthoods revoked, but that’s actually quite rare since a number of the people who have been knighted over the centuries would qualify as particularly nasty war criminals, if you ask the right people what they think of them.

But no one’s ever had their knighthood revoked for the reason you’re about to.

You initially acquired your knighthood for making a variety of snack food that the royal family found particularly tasty.  We can’t really go into detail into exactly what that snackfood is, thanks to your incredibly thorough legal team, but we can inform readers that your snack delight was nicknamed “snickerknickers” and that it has remained most popular with eaters between the ages of 15 and 35 which, as we understand it, also happen to be the prime ages for fucking.

The Queen, while decidedly outside this age group, found your not-quite-confection-not-quite-cracker concoction quite delightful, and decided to make you somewhat important to other British people in your lifetime.  Good get, buddy!

But she had no way of knowing that you’d eventually come up with a line of hypersexualized snack cakes prominently featuring royals Will and Kate fucking on their tops.  And she definitely didn’t know you’d end up using edited versions of the knighting ceremony to make it seem like the Queen was officially endorsing these snack cakes as the official snack cake of Great Britain.

But you did.  And so today you’re going to be stripped of your knighthood.  Your land and titles will also be taken from you, and you’ll be deposited in the Tower of London, where a super secret prison level exists on a floor no one goes to (it’s marked historical museum) to die of a terrible wasting sickness they’ll infect you with upon entry (AIDS).

This must all seem kind of rough, but you should’ve seen it coming.  Also, you’re now going to live in infamy as a historical footnote and a question at pub trivia for generations to come, and that’s pretty cool when you get right down to it.  So well done on that front!  But you really shouldn’t have made those snack cakes.

Congratulations on Getting Your Knighthood Revoked!