When you met Christian Slater back in the ninties, he told
you to “suck your own dick.” You went home right away and gave it your all but,
of course, you couldn’t actually do it.
So you did what anyone with even a whit of common sense would do: you
sold all your worldly possessions and moved to India to study under a guru who
promised to teach you the mystical art of sucking your own dick.
The last two decades have consisted of some of the most
intense study that you’ve ever experienced as you try, day after day, to get
your lips around the tip. It seemed
impossible when you started, but a year ago you first touched your tongue to
its shiny head. Six months ago, you got
your lips halfway down your own shaft, and a month ago you managed to get to
the base.
Satisfied with your efforts, you’ve purchased a plane ticket
and, today, you’ll be arriving in Hollywood, California at the home of former
actor and current cautionary tale about cocaine use Christian Slater. You’ll ring his doorbell and, like any
formerly popular actor, he’ll open up his own door and ask you:
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I wanted to show you something,” you’ll somberly
announce. Then you’ll pull down your
pants, get on your back and cram your entire unit into your mouth.
Christian Slater will clap and laugh, bewildered and amused
by your actions. This will have been a
rough decade for him, so that moment, so perfectly random, will crystallize in
the years to come as an incandescent instant in what will be a decidedly not so
shining life. So when he takes an
i-Phone picture, give him a nice thumbs up so he and the internet know, hey: it’s
all in good fun!
Congratulations on Living Up to Your Role Model’s
Expectations!
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