Congratulations on Being Eaten by a Giant Spider!

Today you’re going to answer a very specific Craigslist ad.

ONE DAY OF WORK – ENDURE ENDLESS MYSTICAL PHYSICAL TORMENT FOR TOP DOLLAR ($80 FOR ONE DAY) PLEASE BE RESPONDING VIA EMAIL ASAP NEED SOMEONE FOR THIS SATRUDAY!

After a brief phone call you’ll show up at a cave just outside of Weehawken, New Jersey.  It will drift into the earth with a sudden darkness that implies depth, indefatigable depth, depth that promises to plague any who descend into it. 

You’ll enter, wearing a collared shirt and a pair of worn khakis.

After a brief, hazardous climb you’ll encounter a man, a good deal taller than average with a beard that reaches his navel.  He’ll extend his hand in greeting.  His skin will be a pale latticework of scars worn across and over ligaments.  It will resemble the sleeve of a patchwork coat.

“Hjonvard,” he’ll introduce himself.  “I bind you for spider.”

You’ll nod at him.   He’ll hand you a check for eighty dollars, which you’ll put in your pants pocket.  Then, at his instruction, you’ll strip.  This won’t be your first Craigslist job.

Hjonvard will lead you through a series of dark passages that seem to honeycomb the space beneath Weehawken.  When you reach a place that feels central in a way you can’t quite define he’ll point upwards at the ceiling.

You’ll follow his gesture.

The cavern will unfold above you into a dense weave of silk and offal from a thousand years of hard spider-living.  In the center of the web a man will sit patiently.  When you arrive he’ll smile and make a gesture approximating a wave.

“Good of you to be seeing!” he’ll shout down at you.  Hjonvard will pull a massive ladder from somewhere indistinct and mount it upon the center of the web through techniques best left obscured in both word and memory.  Then he’ll climb it, barely pausing at you to shout back at you.

“Follow.”

You’ll climb behind him, naked.  When you reach the top you’ll stand upon the webs.  They’ll feel as if they’re made for you.

“Lay,” he’ll instruct you.  As you lay down the other man will stand, bonds of spider silk peeling away at his wrists and ankles.  Hjonvard will fiddle with the web near your arms and legs and knots will form around each of your extremities, binding you to the web.

“Okay,” the man who was bound to the web before you will declare, smiling.  “I am to have date tonights and tomorrow.  I return and you not on web, in mean time, spider to be eat you.  Not to be taking any of parts, no worries, but is going to be very harmful to pains.”  He’ll nod at you smiling.  “Okay?”

You’ll nod back, unsure.  He’ll climb down the ladder with Hjonvard in tow.

“I love internet!” he’ll shout up at you, giving you a thumbs up as he trots out of the room.

Minutes will pass in silence.  Then the silence will grow in both scope and intensity.  A shadow will creep across the web as something terrible arrives.  After a few moments you’ll catch sight of it: a spider, tremendous in size and scope, will be bearing down on you.  Its mandibles will be horrifyingly slick, and as it descends upon you it will begin applying them to you.  You’ll feel a tingle as it eats you: a protective something that will force the pain to fire through you without ripping at your flesh.

You’ll writhe as you lay there, bound to the web, and scream:

“AHHHHH!  THIS IS SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN TEMPING!  AHHHHHHH!”

The spider, unfamiliar with the process of temping, will have no thoughts on the subject either way.

Congratulations on Being Eaten by a Giant Spider!