Congratulations Chim Chim Chipper!

The life of an Australian person is a tough one.  You’ve really only got four occupations available to you from birth.  You can hang out around incredibly dangerous animals and hope they don’t kill you while you film yourself near them.  You can fight crime using the help of aborigines you’ve befriended and then move to New York and then immediately leave New York after you’re tired of it there. You can survive a nuclear apocalypse and then drive around the outback, searching for gasoline or water or whatever or potentially helping people you come across as some sort of futuristic “man with no name.”  Or you can play rugby, which is slightly more dangerous than all of the activities we’ve described previously.

You chose a different road.  You decided to move to old London town and become a chimney sweep.  It stood to reason that your accent would come across as quaint and folksy and hell, maybe even a little wise to the people who live in London.  And, wouldn’t you know it, it worked!

You’ve spent the last twenty years drinking on the job, cursing at children and singing mournful songs as you cram devices up chimneys to get them clean.  Sometimes you’ve fallen asleep inside of one of the chimneys you were cleaning and woke up hours later when one of your clients lit their fire place.  You’d tumble out cursing and everyone would have a good laugh.  You got the best tips on those jobs.

Unfortunately, no good thing can last forever.  Today you’re going to die of chimney lung.

“Cor,” you’ll tell your daughter as you lay dying.  “I’d take quite a bit’o me life back if I weren’t to be getting’ chimney lung,” you’ll ham at her while tears well in her eyes.

Then you’ll say “vegemite” and die with a frown on your face.

Your daughter, who was originally a waifish young woman who dressed like a boy and cleaned chimneys, will decide then and there that she doesn’t want to die from inhaling chimney fumes all day every day and will resolve to sell your business to some German investors, who will in turn hire Turkish people to clean chimneys.  These Turkish people will be forcibly deported every few years, so they won’t die of the foul disease that claimed your life.

So in an obtuse way, you’ve improved the lifespan of every chimney sweep in London.

Congratulations Chim Chim Chipper!