Congratulations on Making Your Apartment Fuck Friendly!

 You moved in like a week ago and it’s been an absolute nightmare getting your apartment ready for gentleman/lady/gentlemanlady callers.  First you had to go without a leather sex swing for your first night, which was simply barbaric.  Then you had to wait half a day for the workmen to come in and install the damn thing, and they didn’t even have the good manners to bugger you for your trouble.  Barbarians, really.  Then you had to test it, which meant waiting for your spotter, James, to come by.  James was a good sport, but it took him two and a half hours to come and see you and then another hour to test it.  He spent the night, but still, it was a huge chunk of his day.

Then you had to wait for ANOTHER work crew to install the full-ceiling mirror in your new bedroom.  Testing that was easier: you just lazily masturbated while staring into your own eyes, and it was a rousing success.  But you were still missing a few things.

Two days ago you had your human-sized cage delivered and then set up by a separate work crew.  Then you had your first slave delivered.  She was horrified and didn’t speak a lick of English, but the moment you gave her food she became obedient.  She’s been pretty good for the last day or two, even though she’s still violently afraid of the cattle prod you’ve been using to discipline her.  You’re confident she’ll become a fine…whatever your relationship with her would legally be defined as (common law wife?).

But still, you’ve been waiting for the last and most important item: curtains!  You’ve felt absolutely naked without them (and technically you’ve been in violation of the Bostonian blue law preventing any kind of sexual activity without blinds drawn in a bedchamber) and today you’re going to stroll down to Target and, using your Russian slave girl as a stepping stool, install the curtain rod holders around the window frames that face your neighbors.

You’ll still have some exposed windows in your kitchen, but now most of Jamaica Plains won’t be able to see you buttfucking men in leather masks, so everyone should be a lot happier, and your place will feel a lot more like home.  Which it should be for a while, as long as your neighbors have a solid tolerance for hearing people screaming for mercy.

Congratulations on Making Your Apartment Fuck Friendly!