When you get to the fifth chart fatigue will have begun to
set in in earnest. The entire collection
of senators will reflexively turn their eyes away from yet another image of yet
another clam smoking yet another cigarette.
A rainbow will be sketched underneath the plume of smoke trailing from the
clam’s mouth. The lobbyists representing
the interests of Phillip Morris and Reynolds and whoever the fuck else makes
cigarettes will nod in approval at your efforts. The senators will groan.
Their muscles will slacken.
They will begin to slip below their desks.
“As you can see, clam joy increases by rainbow following the
ingestion of an additional delicious clam cigarette, which, as our previous
chart indicated, provides puppydog jobs to the impacted parties in various states
in which constituents traditionally rely on clam cigarette production, marketing
and shipping for employment.”
One senator will shriek in pain. You’ll replace the smoking clam with a
smiling clam, its lips insinuating a pressure that would shatter its shell in
reality. A chart displaying some sort of
exponential growth of something will appear next to the clam.
“Jobs is what we’re really all about,” you’ll proudly
declare to the senate. “Jobs for
hardworking Americans who just want to see clams smoke.”
We’d like to recount what passed following that, but
unfortunately our future technician, Brian, lost consciousness almost
immediately thereafter. We can gauge the
success of your work in the fact that Clam Cigarettes remain readily available,
that they are purchased for clams using a government subsidy and that clams are
forced to smoke them by a specialized group of National Park Service employees
who have been trained to train clams to smoke.
It’s quite clear that you’re an excellent lobbyist, and also
that our legislative system is broke.
But what’s inspiringly clear here is how readily available cigarettes
will be clams which, for reasons Brian cannot readily describe at present, is
really inspiring and makes him feel a little bit gay.
Congratulations on Keeping Clam Cigarettes Legal!
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