Congratulations on Redefining Failure!

Nautical shipping lanes have been taking some heavy hits during the recession, which may or may not end at some point. It hasn’t been easy for anyone, certainly, but purveyors of goods through this archaic means have been especially hard hit. Consolidation and perpetual mismanagement have made it all but impossible to turn a profit as a shipping agent. It’s all over Slate and the BBC if you don’t believe us.

But the unsung victims of this crisis are people like you: terrifying monsters of the deep who prey upon sailors and their goods so that they may decorate their massive underwater caves and devour the sweet flesh of man at their leisure.

You’re a ten-ton giant crab with a Bachelor’s in Drama and Political Science and you’ve been doing this for fifteen years. But tomorrow the bank is going to call to foreclose on your undersea cave lease and you’re going to be left with some awkward decisions.

Since your income has been completely stymied over the last several months you can’t manage a financial solution to the situation. And you’re not pretty enough to seduce a bank owner and let him have his way with you in exchange for allowing you to keep your home. That limits your options to a bloody rampage through your financial institution, ending only when you stand covered in blood over your opponents, shrieking wordlessly into the sky, or moving out of your beloved cave filled with ancient treasure and moving on land where you hope to get a temp job.

You’ll strongly consider the former option, but then you’ll remember that those fucking bankers hired the Kraken to help defend them against sea monsters like you, and while you are a pretty big badass you’re no match for the Kraken. And as preferable as it might seem to just end it all in a big throw down with that epic beast, you’ll decide that you like living a lot more than you like being seen as powerful, so you’ll opt to wander ashore.

Once ashore you’ll register with a Randstad office in Seattle and they’ll get you set up with an office assistant job in Bellevue. It’ll be soul crushing and horrible, but you’ll be alive. Some days, of course, you’ll think back and wonder what it would’ve been like to perish in an epic battle with one of the greatest monsters ever to live (and your idol!) but as time goes on those days will come fewer and farther between until one day they seem to stop altogether.

Congratulations on Redefining Failure!