Congratulations on Keeping One of Them!

Most people aren’t as lucky as you are. They don’t get venture into space period. And some of those that do don’t get to return alive at all. Remember Challenger and Columbia? To say nothing of poor, poor Laika.

So when the instruments start to explode in your spaceship due to a combination of crew incompetence, panel mounted explosives and alien plasma fire you should try to count your blessings. You’ll have an awesome view of the earth from your precarious space-ship vantage point. Plus the whole situation will be pretty awesome from an objective standpoint. Sure, it’ll be horrifying to experience, but if we were watching it in a movie and we were a Tourettic black kid in the audience we’d stand up and yell “oh snap!”

Downsides will include massive crew casualties. Franklin, your space-lover of the past two months, will be killed in the initial bombardment. And Shara, who used to use you as a space-sounding-post-for-her-outfits-who-she-was-probably-kind-of-attracted-to-but-percveived-as-off-limits-because-of-your-sexual-orientation, will be sucked out into space when one of the bulkheads fails.

But you and Terry, the unbearable guy on the spaceship, will make it to the escape pod safely. And the explosion which tosses your limp form into the pod will only catch half of your face instead of the entire thing. That means you’ll retain 50% of your normal vision and half of your face won’t be horribly scarred.

Sure, this could be avoided if you followed security procedures and spent less time on Franklin’s dick. But you’re not going to. You’re going to make the choices you like and live with it, which is really as much as any of us can do.

So just try take solace in the fact that a single member of your crew survived and that you get to keep the use of one of your eyes. And try to ignore Terry as he breathes out of his mouth like a fucking mongoloid throughout re-entry.

Congratulations on Keeping One of Them!