Congratulations on Dealing With Those Meddling Kids!

You’re a scheming amusement park owner from a long line of scheming amusement park owners. This means that you’re almost assuredly going to lose your livelihood (arms smuggling) when a group of meddling teens step into your park and fuck up your semi-legal business bringing automatic weapons to militia members the world over. It’s happened to your dad and your granddad before him, and you fully expect to one day be outwitted by teens.

But unlike your forbearers you have no desire to operate under any sort of moral code which bars doing harm do those self-righteous little shits who tour the country in a van, searching for smugglers and people defrauding insurance companies so they can turn them into “the man.”

That’s why you’ve filled your amusement park with a series of deadly traps protecting your various smuggled goods. You’ve also hired people kicked out of Blackwater because they were too violent in order to maintain security in public areas during off hours. That means your amusement park becomes a giant deathtrap when the lights go down each evening.

And next Saturday when a comically balanced band of twenty-somethings enters your park and starts poking through all your shit looking for the piles of opium you keep in the empty staff lockers and the guns you hide in the tidal cave all of your careful planning is going to pay off.

The straight laced guy who wears cardigans and ascots will be garroted by one of your “security guards” when he asks about being able to use the restroom, and the slutty one will be gang raped by a number of Blackwater employees before being thrown into a well, where she’ll live out the last few days of her life in total agony.

The stoner and the nerdy girl will evade your guards, but they’ll be killed when their hilarious dog trips a Claymore mine rigged to a tripwire turns all of them into a big red smear all over your staff lockers.

There’s going to be quite a mess to clean up, and you’ll have to figure out what to do with the bodies and the van, but you’ll have kept your livelihood intact for a few more years and defeated the curse which has plagued your family since the 1970’s.

So Congratulations on Dealing With Those Meddling Kids! We really hope we never have occasion to deal with you, because you’re a horrible, psychotic person and we’re not entirely we ever want to know what you’re capable of.