Congratulations on Gettng Rid of That Mannequin!

You’ve got an awesome apartment. Great location, rent controlled, utilities included. You’ve got a roommate who literally just uses his bedroom for storage but still pays all his rent and an elevator. You’ve got it all.

But there’s a catch. I mean, you’ve visited this website before. You’re alive. You know there’s always a catch. In this case it’s a creepy mannequin.

It might not be so bad if it didn’t have these really realistic nipples and eyes that followed you around the room. Like, we’re talking robot grade eyes. It’s unsettling to say the least.

You’ve been trying to get rid of him for a while now. You’ve dropped him in dumpsters, lit him on fire and even put him on Melrose Place, where he was sure to vanish forever. But nothing’s worked. No matter what you do he just shows up the next day in your bedroom after work, staring at you.

You can deal with it when you’re sleeping alone. In fact, it’s kind of comforting in a really gay way. But when you bring a lady home it tends to freak her out. Comforting comments about not minding the mannequin never seem to work, even when you whisper them really softly in your ladyfriend’s ear.

But you’ve spent a lot of time under the mannequin’s watchful gaze wondering just what the fuck it really wants. You’ve looked deep into its unsettling blue eyes and you’ve realized that all it really wants is a friend, a companion. Which explains all those unnerving crayon drawings on the fridge of the two of you together and that brief typed essay you found declaring profound feelings of loneliness paired with a strange sort of attraction to you that felt wrong but not entirely wrong.

So tomorrow you’re going to pack it into your car. You’re going to talk to it as you drive. You’ll bare your heart to the doll, letting it know that you view it as a companion, a source of comfort and a reliable factor in your otherwise chaotic, occasionally emotionally destitute life. The mannequin will listen pensively, its face still fixed in a terrible riticus. When you arrive at Frederick’s of Hollywood you’ll swears its countenance brightens.

You’ll prop him in Frederick’s and drive away, your rear view clear the whole way home. Two weeks later you’ll sleep soundly, alone with a single tear in your eye.

Congratulations on Getting Rid of That Mannequin!