Your life is bereft of love for the most part. Only two things can penetrate the sewer of
your heart: infomercials advertising revolutionary products you didn't know you
need and dogs. But these two things have
always existed separately. Can you
imagine a world where the two of these things come together to make one big
superlative burst of love in your brain?
Well you don't have to imagine, because today you're going
to fuck Ron Popeil's dog. Popeil, father
of infomercials, will move into your neighborhood today, and you'll recognize
him immediately. You'll think about
approaching him to ask for an autograph, but that idea will seem silly out the
gate. It'll swiftly be replaced by a
burning desire to sneak into his house at night and fuck his dog.
You'll execute your plan flawlessly. Popeil's dog, a friendly, well trained German
Shepherd named Patches, will gladly acquiesce to you fucking it, and the whole
experience will make you feel much, much closer to Popeil, especially when he
walks in on you while you're balls deep in Patches and you wave at him and
shout "big fan!" at him from across the room. It'll be a redeem experience overall.
But wait, there's more!
You'll also see Popeil again, at the trial for breaking and entering,
criminal mischief and animal endangerment.
He won't be happy to see you, of course, but he'll see you all the
same. And when you're sentenced he'll
show up just so he can clap as the judge announces that, for your reprehensible
actions, you're going to be in prison for at least a decade, probably closer to
two and a half. Have fun getting to know
your new prison family; you're going to have the best "why I'm here"
story on the cell block, hands down.
Congratulations on Fucking Ron Popeil's Dog!
No comments:
Post a Comment