Flapping through the air, carried by breezes, thermals, the
whims of air current striving in no real direction. You are a plastic bag today, freed from the
constraints of your previous existence.
Perhaps you were once bound with your brothers and sisters in a grocery
mart, released filled with goods to aid a human in transporting them to his or
her domicile. Perhaps you were inside of
a cardboard box in a fast food establishment and you were removed, filled with
greasy, half cooked meats and doughs, and then sent out to some poor lonesome
man's apartment. Perhaps any one of a
dozen things happened; who knows. You
have little short term memory as a plastic bag, and we share your consciousness
for today, and today only, which will prove the most auspicious day in all of
plastic bag history.
You see, today you'll be flapping through the air, having
liberated yourself from whatever circumstances liberated you from your previous
circumstances, when you'll spot a man beneath you. Looking at this man you will be filled with a
sudden burst of intense hatred. Without
knowing this man, you will lust for his death immediately. Your instincts as a plastic bag will kick in,
and you will swoop down, descending upon him with all your might.
This man will see you coming, but he will not perceive you
as a threat. To him, you will merely be
a plastic bag, descending upon him by chance.
To you, he will be a target, your natural enemy. You will set upon him fiercely, fixing
yourself upon his head, allowing your insides to rest upon his mouth, where his
attempts to free himself will be thwarted by a combination of lack of oxygen
and the ingress of his own breath. The
man will fall to his knees, clawing at his throat, but he will be unable to
liberate himself from your constrictions, so great will the force of your hate
be.
This man will be a young art student named James
Hitler. He would have, if you had not
done the thing you are going to do today, eventually become a politician who
would have made America into a period of profound darkness and genocide, wiping
out many ethnic groups, some as obscure as the Laplanders, others as prominent
as the Yoruba people.
But thanks to you and your baggy instincts, this man will
die today. And you, wrapped around his
face, will know peace at rest for the first time in your existence as a plastic
bag. Relish this sensation; it will be
well earned.
Congratulations Aggressive Plastic Bag!
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