The Quizno’s will be nearly empty, an all but unheard of occurrence for the part of Brooklyn you’re in. There is no such thing as an empty Quizno’s near Fulton Mall. That is, unless something is very, very wrong.
He’ll be seated towards the back wearing a panama hat and a pair of dark glasses, just like in the picture he sent you. He’ll look worried, like he’s not sure you’re going to show up. Well, you’ll say to yourself, time to rock his world.
When you sit down across from him he’ll look surprised.
“Cheryl?” he’ll ask tentatively. You’ll nod in response, smiling. “You look different from your pictures.”
He’ll be referring to the pictures on your OkayCupid profile, which won’t have been updated in almost three years. They’ll portray a much, much heavier you with skin problems and some pretty clear self-esteem issues. There will also be a few that are just your cleavage from that time, which was pretty awesome.
You’ll shrug at him. “They’re old pictures. I should probably update them.”
He’ll look uncomfortable, gazing past you. After a moment’s hesitation he’ll tug on the brim of his hat and stand up.
“Well, it was good to meet you,” he’ll start, but movement behind you will distract him again.
“Seriously?” you’ll ask him. He’ll have been badgering you about this meeting for almost four months at this point, a ceaseless series of instant messages, emails and one very sweet and entirely inappropriate handwritten letter with a comic strip that portrayed you, circa two years ago, on a bear skin rug. It was kind of sweet.
He’ll nod at you, a jerking motion that carries his whole body up and down.
“I was just interested in murdering you and taking your skin to make a dress. James over there wanted to wear it.”
He’ll point to a slender young man in jean shorts with thinning hair and a pair of aviator glasses on. The young man will wave back.
“There really isn’t enough of you to work with. Sorry for the trouble,” your stalker will say, tossing money on the table.
You’ll just sit there, your honey mustard turkey unwrapped in front of you, surprised at how the whole thing turned out. You knew there was kind of a risk that someone online wouldn’t turn out to be who you thought they were, but you didn’t think they’d ever be that shallow and materialistic.
It’ll make you reflect on the nature of online dating. It’ll make you wonder if it was worthwhile to lose all that weight if you aren’t going to flaunt it. And, most of all, it’ll make you start looking at boy’s asses in the room, lamenting the spread of man at this particular Quizno’s.
Congratulations on Meeting Your Online Stalker!
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