Congratulations on Discovering the Illuminati!

You spend your days pinning pieces of yarn on to some maps you hang on your wall. It’s not that productive a way to live, but it keeps you busy and it keeps you entertained. Yarn, after all, is cheaper than cable, and times are tough all around nowadays.

Most of the time the shit you spin is so completely bonkers it could never possibly reflect the truth about reality. But today you’re going to make a number of connections related to the Illuminati, the secret society that secretly governs all of the things that happen in the world around you. You’re going to put some yarn on a map connecting where various homeless people around your apartment congregate and put a post-it note in the middle of all these yarn strings reading “Illuminati.”

This assumption will be based on the fact that the homeless people kind of stand around in the shape of a pyramid when you map them all out. This pyramid happens to be the shape of the downtown area of your city, but you won’t think of that because you’re a crazy person who puts yarn on maps. Your roommate won’t think much of it for the very same reason.

But tonight you’ll be vindicated, kind of. Tonight a bunch of homeless dudes are going to bust in on your apartment and hold you down by your sheets. They’ll surround you and remove their hooded sweatshirt hoods from their heads and stare down at you, their beards ruffled, their stench overwhelming.

“How did you know?” they’ll ask. You’ll stop thrashing when they speak, fear gripping you. You’ll try to hold back, but after only a few seconds your answer will spill out.

“I didn’t. I swear.”

They’ll look at you, then at one another, then at you again. Their looks will be cool, calculating, mercenary. You’ll swear they were eying you up, guessing your weight. How much meat they could get from cutting you up. Then one of them will speak.

“Interesting.”

They’ll share looks again, never glancing at you, never speaking a word. After a few minutes of looking at one another and smelling really, really bad they’ll turn their attention back to you and vocalize their thoughts.

“How would you like to be a member of the Illuminati?” they’ll ask.

You’ll shrug, which will consist of a very specific kind of struggle against the sheets that will remain drawn tightly against you. They’ll smile, an expression erupting simultaneously across all of their faces, black toothed gashes checkered with white. Then darkness will overtake you as the process begins and you’re inducted into the second most crestfallen secret society in the world today.

Congratulations on Discovering the Illuminati!