Congratulations Turkey Sandwich!

Today you’re a turkey sandwich. The greatest turkey sandwich in America.

You’re going to find yourself in western Pakistan, near the Afghani border. You’ll be air dropped in with a mission: to find and eliminate one of the top al Qaeda operatives in the region, making his death look like an accident. You’ll begin your mission by imbedding yourself amongst other turkey sandwiches. This will involve maneuvering yourself on to a platter of sandwiches and remaining completely inert for days on end. Hardly a challenge for an operative of your skill.

After days of waiting you’ll be brought to one of the many Secret Lairs of Al Qaeda that have been established in Pakistan, as we all know. Deep inside this Secret Lair (a townhouse on the outskirts of Zhob) you’ll encounter your target: some dude with a generically foreign sounding name who, despite his wealthy Saudi upbringing and relatively lavish lifestyle, has become synonymous in our minds with terrorism.

You’ll find him alone in his room. You’ll be on a plate, sitting there quietly, waiting for him to act, to give you your chance. You’ll wait there for nearly three hours before he finally makes his move, taking a bite out of you.

He’ll tumble back, reeling after just one bite. The subtle peanut oil covering every inch of your tasty, tasty body, infusing the delicious sauce smothering your peanut glazed meats, will have gone undetected by his underlings. And this particular terrorist, who has more in common with a suburban kid from Connecticut than he does with the people who fight and die for him, shares that suburban child’s embarrassing peanut allergy.

He’ll fall to the ground choking, gasping. He’ll struggle to rise to his feet, to press a button calling for help. But you’ll move quickly, standing on his back ever so gently (you’re a sandwich) and pressing him down as he lays on the ground, choking to death.

“Goodnight,” you’ll whisper in his ear before departing from his window, a bite removed from your body, and making your way towards India, where extraction awaits.

Congratulations Turkey Sandwich!