Congratulations You Pork Eating Mother Fucker!

Pizza is great. And so is the Muslim faith. Both things, at their best, promote peace on earth and the idea that there is a brotherhood between all men centralized by a unifying power that embraces all of us, infuses all of our lives with a sense of meaning and purpose and, when we are open to it, can give us a nearly limitless sense of joy.

But here’s the thing. The Muslim faith has a pretty stark stance against eating pork. And while pepperoni pizza is delicious, you can’t really call yourself a Muslim if you bring it to your mosque during a meeting and eat seven slices of it in front of your imam.

Which is why he’s going to be totally justified in calling you out on it.

“You really can’t do that here,” he’ll say, resting his hands on his ample belly. You’ll be pacing back and forth, ready to hit something (you have rage issues).

“FUCK YOU MAN!” you’ll shout at him. He’ll shake his head and look at you with an expression of sadness.

“I think we’ve talked about your anger before. Could you please calm down?” he’ll say.

You’ll throw a chair across the room in response.

“YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!” you’ll shout.

He’ll shake his head sadly and wave his hand, summoning a pair of massive black men in immaculate suits to his side.

“These gentlemen will see you out,” he’ll say. As he speaks the men will advance on you. It’ll be clear that pepperoni pizza and anger management trouble will have come up before and forced members of his congregation out into the cold, and these young men will have administered his will on this matter many times in the past.

“NINE ELEVEN WAS AN INSIDE JOB!” you’ll shout at him as his henchmen forcibly drag you out into the street.

“Not really,” he’ll say to you in a quiet but firm tone of voice that will echo through the room as you are removed from his presence, through a long silent hall, vaguely reminiscent of high school, and into the street.

The young men will hold you there outside until you calm down.

“We hope you understand that you’ll be welcome if you’re willing to calmly discuss this matter,” the smaller one will say.

“Other kinds of pizza are fine,” the larger one will say, nodding his agreement.

After you stop trying to hit them they’ll leave you there on the street, fuming, pacing back and forth. You’ll know that Allah can’t really want you to not eat pepperoni, but you won’t be able to articulate why. This will just make you angrier. To mitigate this anger you’ll stomp back to your apartment, plotting the whole way to try and trick your former imam and all of his followers into eating pepperoni so they can understand just how great it really is.

Congratulations You Pork Eating Mother Fucker!