Congratulations on Fucking the Hottest Chick at Chili's!

Some people go to Chili’s for the baby back ribs. Some people go there for the chicken finger dinners or the molten chocolate cake or the margaritas the size of your head, resplendent with water.

You go there for the pussy.

Usually the spread at Chili’s is pretty meh. A handful of desperate women with poorly applied makeup trudging about, leaning over tables with young men at them, looking to rub up against someone, anyone. But tonight there’s going to be a choice piece of tail, and you’re looking to capitalize.

She’ll be dressed in a yellow cardigan and a long, flowing dress. Her son will be there, no more than eleven years old, so you know that she’s got trouble keeping men in the house and that her junk isn’t still all messed up from having the kid. And you’ll know exactly how to play it.

You’ll walk up and open up with “Sup mamacita,” leaning over her table as you do so so that your tie hangs down just past the edge of the table, pointing downwards at her thighs like a sexy neckcock. She’ll respond by placing her hand on your chest.

“Oh my,” she’ll murmur at you. “My son needs a strong father figure. Maybe you’d be interested?”

You’ll nod. “For at least one night,” you’ll tell her. She’ll smile and hold up her finger for the check and you’ll pump your fist in the air and turn around to give your friends a thumbs up. But they’ll already be distracted, their eyes wandering after battered waitresses and female hockey players. They won’t see your sweet, sweet victory as you walk out of Chili’s and into the mini-van of the hottest piece of ass in the entire place. They won’t be able to imagine your journey as you ride to her condo in the backseat, sitting behind her son.

They won’t know the feeling of air rushing on your face or the nervous tension you’ll feel as you quietly wish you could ask her son to roll up the window. But that might make things weird, and you really won’t want to jeopardize getting into his mom’s pants tonight. But the ride will be short, and a little nervous tension can be good sometimes. You’ll mull this thought over in your head as the highway races by you. A little nervous tension can be good sometimes.

Congratulations on Fucking the Hottest Chick at Chili’s!