Congratulations Chemistry Teacher!

Public school teachers don’t make what they deserve. They certainly don’t make a living wage! They qualify for shit like food stamps and whatnot, but that ain’t no way to live. So you’re going to make like those folks you’ve seen on the TV and you’re going to try and cook and sell your own meth using your knowledge of chemistry.

Step one is to go to the hardware store where your brilliant but troubled student works and try to recruit him.

“Making meth is a terrible idea,” he’ll tell you. “The process of cooking meth is horribly dangerous. Even if you don’t blow your lab the fumes can do serious permanent damage to your lungs, eyes and skin if your protective gear is less substantial than a hazmat suit.”

“Pfft,” you’ll tell him with a wave of your hand as you purchase a bunch of industrial strength cleaners from his co-worker after he refuses to sell them to you.

“You’ve just made me and everyone else in here an accessory!” he’ll shout as you leave the store. He’ll be waving his cell phone at you, 9-1-1 emblazoned on its screen, but you won’t pay him any heed. Instead you’ll go to the home of your second most promising troubled student, who could probably get Cs if he really tried. He’ll be super psyched that you came to ask for his help.

“I fucking love Breaking Bad,” he’ll shout, nearly rousing his mom from her alcoholic slumber. The two of you will high five and embark to your van, driving off to the trailer in the middle of the desert you’ll have rented using a credit card. You’ll have rented and stocked it for the express purpose of trying to cook meth.

Using your bachelor’s degree in Chemistry, which is little better than reading a Wikipedia entry on how to make meth, you’ll try to cook up your first batch. After around forty five minutes of effort the trailer will have transformed from a vehicle for subsistence living into a big old acid filled bomb. The fumes will render both of you unconscious in minutes and swiftly begin eating away at your lungs and soft tissues.

After around two hours the fumes will grow thick enough that the air inside your mobile meth lab will ignite. The entire trailer will be transformed into a makeshift bomb, exploding with a slow, pulsating burn out that will sear the area around the trailer and scar the desert with volatile gas. This will destroy some evidence of what you were trying to do, but not enough to keep your life insurance company from giving your parents the money they so richly deserve after. You’ll go to your grave just as much of a disappointment and financial drain on them in death as you were in life.

Congratulations Chemistry Teacher!